Male foster carers

An unnamed male foster carer said: 

“Young people in care need good experiences, these will often come from good role models. The low percentage of male carers, sometimes leaves the yin and the yang out of whack. 

The few male carers I have met have all shown brilliant qualities and are able to offer the young people different experiences, the facts are that the teams that help young people are generally very female, so while there is always a need for more carers, we need more balance to help these young people get the attention they crave and deserve. 

You can be a good listener or a good talker, a part time magician or a full time comedian, you can share your hobbies, taking them to sport, letting them help on the allotment, going cycling. You can be the best dancer they have ever seen (or the worst) or you can just be there with them.

My wife and I are both foster carers and trained as such because we thought that we could learn and benefit from taking on these roles. It’s interesting to see the look of surprise on young faces when I involve them in cooking lunch or baking cakes whilst Rachel is out working or putting up shelves. These children learn from the examples displayed to them and they learn quickly.”

Dave said:

“I’ve been fostering since 1972, but before that my wife and I had been taking children from a local children’s home for days out for years. It wasn’t until my first daughter was born that our social worker suggested fostering.

We didn’t start long-term fostering right away, it started with weekends and then short-term fostering for children who, for example, only had one parent and they had been hospitalised. The child would stay with us until their parent was well again. A few years later we started fostering full time.

Since we started fostering we must have looked after 100 children over the years. The majority were short-term placements but there were also a number of longer term ones as well. 

It was my wife who wanted to get involved in fostering to begin with; she came from a large, very kind family. Her family once took in a homeless mother and her children and looked after them. For my wife it was natural to want to open our house to children in need of a home, even for a short time.

To begin with, we only had 1 or 2 children placed with us. But then in the 80s there were times when we had 8 children in the house! I suppose that may seem daunting but it’s just like when you have a second child - it all falls into place. From the 90s onwards, as regulations changed, we looked after fewer children at any one time.

Having foster children in the house gave our children a great deal of life experience. I know they gained a lot from sharing their lives with foster children. Their teachers would often comment on how empathetic and caring they were. One of my children has also gone on to become a foster carer.

In 2012, my wife passed away suddenly, and at the time we were caring for 2 girls long term, one aged 10 and the other 16. Fostering as a single man is not something I ever envisaged or thought about. To be honest, after my wife died I didn’t think I would be able to carry on. 

Social workers from Southwark Council spoke to the children and I was glad to hear they both adamantly wanted to stay with me. I’m glad I have been able to finish what my wife and I started. We promised to look after them until they were 18, giving them the love and skills that they needed to live purposeful and independent lives. The elder of the pair has now turned 18 and she has moved on. The younger one, who has special needs, is hoping to stay with me post-care.  

Fostering has changed a lot over the years. There are more regulations now than when I first started, as there should be. There is also more compulsory training; the most recent that I did was about child development and how to keep better records, which is all really important.

As many people say, fostering is a vocation not a job and it’s with good reason. Fostering is not 9-to-5. The best thing about fostering is seeing a child grow in confidence and leave care full of self esteem and making a go of life. Many of our foster children have gone on to get good jobs, stable partners, bought homes and have children of their own.

To anyone thinking of fostering, I say go for it. Your life will be enriched and you will be helping a child who really needs it. Yes, it’s hard at first but you get oodles of training and lots of support.”

An unnamed male foster carer said: 

“My wife and I care for 2 boys who are siblings. One of the reasons for becoming a foster carer is my mother-in-law also used to be a foster carer and when I visited her home, some of the children mainly boys would always talk to me and ask me questions.

I soon realised that they looked up to me as a father figure which was missing from their lives, they also liked my Jamaican patois and would love to copy the way I speak. My wife was then a back-up carer and we talked a lot about caring for children, so when we had the vacant rooms, we were happy to apply as foster parents.  

Now that I am a foster parent I find it a pleasure looking after the boys, both my wife and I share equal responsibility with the caring for them and when collecting the youngest boy from school I especially love when his face lights up when he sees me waiting to collect him from school, at the same time he is giving me a cheeky smile but I can see it gives him that security that I am there for him. 

As time goes on, they are getting comfortable and trusting us more, so they both will come to me for guidance on father matters which I get great pleasure giving them advice and support, this shows me that being in their life is giving them some stability and how important it is to have a male figure in their life. I do have to work on building a relationship by being patient and understanding how they must feel and also teaching them life skills, I am looking forward to seeing them do well in life and knowing that I contributed to their upbringing.”

Richard was approved as a foster carer for Southwark in November 2011 and since then has looked after 2 children. He said:

"I'd thought about fostering long before taking the plunge but it was a combination of 2 things that really spurred me into speaking to Southwark. 

Having worked with children for the past 13 years, I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them and had always wanted children of my own. In addition, being single meant that I had enough room in my flat to open up my home to a child. 

After speaking to other foster carers and understanding the amazing work and incredibly important role they play for children, I decided to take the plunge.

My first child, aged 6, arrived within 1 week of being approved. Through fostering, I was able to expose him to new and exciting experiences and I quickly learnt what a difference I could make to his life. 

Even small achievements such as hearing him reading signs on the Tube when he could not even pronounce the whole alphabet when he was placed with me has been incredibly rewarding. Knowing that I've helped him to learn and grow. Fostering has also brought home to me the importance of routines, consistency and focusing on the positives.

Fostering has not all been smooth sailing and I've definitely faced some challenges along the way... but consistent boundaries and being prepared with snacks, games and plenty of tricks up my sleeve seem to have paid off and he's generally a little superstar now.

The induction and ongoing training from Southwark has provided me with the information and knowledge I needed and helped me to feel confident in my ability to foster a child. 

I've also been lucky to have been introduced to a number of other local foster carers, many who have become good friends. Having local carers who can support me, share their own experiences and understand where I'm coming from has been invaluable."